Beautiful Ambiguity

"The human mind is, for the most part, set on being in the know. We don’t like being uncertain or confused and seek answers and explanations to make sense of what’s happening around us (but of course within the framework of our pre-existing experiences). 

In developing tolerance for ambiguity however, we often have to ficar com nossas dúvidas or remain in a state of uncertainty, despite the discomfort. It requires giving up control and developing humility to make room for new experiences, including learning a new language and cultural customs. Doing so also entails an acceptance that any human issue or experience can be approached in multiple ways, with no solution that is necessarily superior to the rest.” (Stolen and paraphrased from: http://knowinnovation.com/tolerating-ambiguity/. Thank you, Maggie, for letting me use your material!)



Anyone who has spent at least a few months outside of his or her home country is likely very familiar with this link between adjusting to a new place and relinquishing control. In my own experience, the tighter I attempt to hang to doing things as I am “accustomed” and already find “normal,” the more my own stubbornness is capable of intervening with properly adapting. Learning to let go is critical. This process is NOT easy, in fact it is VERY challenging. Nevertheless, I always I find the reward of developing a new sense of understanding ultimately more powerful and beautiful than the frustrations and growing pains that come with it. (In writing this I am reminded of a quote from C.S. Lewis' The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe :
“Ooh. Is Aslan quite safe? I shall feel rather nervous about meeting a lion"..."Safe?" said Mr Beaver ..."Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you.”).

In 

the first two weeks after arriving in Araguaína, I felt I was holding back from completely engaging here. "I'm not fluent enough in Portuguese," "I won't be understood," "People won't have the similar interests" all of these doubts plagued me and I realized I was not being myself. Spending another night isolated in our apartment caused me to do some soul-searching and reflect on things I CAN control. The next morning, I woke up early and went to a free trial class for Zumba at a gym-like corporation next two our house. It was both hilarious and beautiful to me to be a part of a group of thirty Brazilian women, some of them very well-endowed, who were enthusiastically shaking it in the name of getting some Bewegung at seven in the morning (though I'm glad I tried it, I felt ridiculous!). Nevertheless, this got me out of my funk. I love exploring new places and taking initiative on my own, but because of my perceived linguistic disadvantage with being a not (yet!) fluent Portuguese speaker, I chose to seek refuge in Ben’s (my co-ETAs) shadow these first few weeks. It has been really positive for me to branch out and be reminded of my capability these last few weeks. After the Zumba class on that particular day, I wandered into town and ran a few errands. As I was walking back from the center (about 1.5 miles away), it started raining, and this time, instead of being a nuisance, it felt quite refreshing, reminding me of the refreshing energy Portland rain would bring on the days I needed it the most. As the rain pounded down harder and gradually soaked me to the bone, my smile spread wider. This relatively mundane downpour (rain is an almost daily occurrence here at this time of the year), was actually highly instrumental in reminding me of the fugacity of my time in this place and the importance living in the moment at all times.

Since then, I have settled into a bit more of a routine and have begun to wrap my head around the concept of Araguaína being my home for the next nine months (it is crazy that on Monday, April 6^th, it will have been a month since my overnight in the São Paulo airport leading up to my arrival here)! In the spirit of providing 

some form of organized framework for the rede (pronounced “hedgie” and meaning web, as in internet, as well as hammock, a very important word here!) of convoluted thoughts regarding my experience thus far, I am listing my experiences into two generic categories: the amazing things, and the challenges. I would like to emphasize though, that the things discussed under these dichotomous and overly simplistic labels by no encapsulate the entirety of my experience thus far.

Things I LOVE about Brasil (specifically Araguaína):



-The FRUIT!!! I try different exotic Amazonian fruits that I have never heard of on a weekly/sometimes daily basis... so far it's been goiaba, ate (atemoia), maracujá, açaí, etc! They can be found in grocery stores as well as at municipal marketplaces and are so cheap and delicious! I had my first coconut cut for me for about 40 cents and then walked home drinking fresh coconut water (Karah, you would love this). I am equally crazy about picolé, roughly translated to "popsicles" but these are nothing like popsicles sold in the US -- they are made of fresh fruit and are incredibly delicious and refreshing (and cheap -- about 30-40 cents). These have become an almost daily indulgence for me.

-Mototaxis! In the first few weeks since arriving in Araguaína, I was really on guard and aware that random men on motorcycles kept honking at me. Each time I got honked at, I became slightly irritated and thought it was some form of catcall (though overall I was still relieved at the lack of catcalling here compared to my experience in Buenos Aires). It wasn't until a particularly hot day when I was attempting to walk the 2.5 miles back from a local supermercado with handfuls of groceries that I got close enough to one of these honking motorcycle men to realize that on the back of the orange vest he was wearing was "MOTOTAXI" in big black letters. I quickly pulled one over and rode back to my house feeling quite proud of myself. I especially enjoyed passing Ben as he was trudging back from town in the heat and smugly waving to him. (Haha! Despite initial hesitation, the next day he was easily persuaded to take his own mototaxi.) Rides are really cheap – within Araguaína city limits, for example, they cost only about $1.50. Taking advantage of these services has been a great way to feel less trapped in our kitnet (kitchynetchy) because of sketchy safety after dark in this area, and this way we have access to the center at night,



-Going to the Gym! I have never been a "gym person" and always will prefer to exercise outside, but the amount of things one has to watch out for here to go on a run along with the intense heat anytime between 9 AM and 5 PM make it sometimes not very enjoyable. There are days when I feel adventurous and get an extra burst of adrenaline from nearly being run over a half dozen times, being gawked at, and hurdling over random street debris and trash on the uneven "sidewalks", but I also enjoy having the option to run around a track or a treadmill and just be able to zone out on the days when running in Araguaína feels daunting. The "gym" I am going to isn't really a gym like the rest in the city that are enclosed in buildings with walls, but this one is an open-air place that is part of a multi-faceted corporation that includes a swimming pool, outdoor soccer fields with a dirt track around one of them, and sand volleyball courts. I enjoy being part of an active community and being held accountable (through my payment of $16/month! So reasonable!) to go 5 days a week. I have started getting up early, going on a run, and then ending it at SESI to do resistance exercises. The people are really welcoming and warm, and though the gym I have found out about other opportunities, such as a 5K race that I participated in last weekend and a program already in operation called PAF (pronounced 'pafi') "program for future athletes." SESI already gives free basketball, soccer, and dance classes to kids through this program, and I have been in contact with them about potentially piggy-backing on that idea and starting a running club for girls, perhaps implementing something close to a Girls on the Run club. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T9_PC-fvdXA



-Breakthrough Teaching Moments and Breaking Down Stereotypes!


 As an aspiring educator, I get a big kick out of the moments when I am able to bring fresh perspective to a classroom and facilitate student “aha” moments or witness students having fun using English, especially if they have already been notoriously labelled “students who don't like English” by their professors. All Letras (literature) students here are required to take two years of both English and Portuguese, even if they already know that they only want to study one or the other. This can cause frustrations for both groups of students (those who are really motivated with English and those who aren't) as they are kept in the same classes together. The professor also is required to do a lot of juggling as he or she attempts to cater and relevantly teach to these differing needs, while also covering the required material. It is a challenge. I find that I am the most effective teacher when I can talk about “American” culture and put some pre-existing assumptions into a realistic perspective and also use basic games that get the students speaking English (many of these are the same icebreaker and introduction activities that worked wonders with 12-year-olds at summer camp).

-Peoples' Warmth and Friendliness! Because we (quite obviously) look and behave differently than most people in this city, Ben and I attract a lot of attention. I sometimes really hate this (see my discussion in the challenges section, below), but I need to realize that almost all of the time, people do not have malicious intentions in asking many questions about us and where we are from. Because we are extrangeiros, we have actually received extra attention and invitations from people who we would least expect. For example, when we went to get our CPF documents (sort of like a social security card that you need to do anything legitimate in Brazil), we got to talking with the public workers there and they ended up inviting us out. Similiar situations have happened with people at the gym, at university, etc. and they are really sweet!

Desafios

 (Challenges)

-Feeling Constantly Otherized! Before I write this, let me openly acknowledge that a lot of this is related to my (sometimes negative) interpretation of a gesture that is actually meant out of innocent curiosity about me and done in an effort to be friendly. Still, being approached from a distance and being asked multiple times a day "Você é de onde?" (Where are you from?) merely based on the way I look really rubs me the wrong way, and my most natural reaction is to become defensive and sassy. (I have gotten to the point of even making up random answers with strangers because I get tired of answering!) I think part of the reason that this question is so triggering and frustrating for me is that my TCKness does not allow me an easy answer, and for most of my life I have always been placed in a category of “other,” even within the United States. In my German elementary school, even after gaining fluency in German, I was “the American girl from the state where everyone plays tennis” (first graders thought that Tennessee was a funny name), then upon returning to the US, I was called “the German girl” throughout the rest of elementary school – this sort of repeated itself with moving to Greece, and it was not until college that I found a community where this multifaceted aspect of my belonging was more normal and accepted. My feeling on “where are you from” is that this is an arbitrary question that does not come close to encapsulating the places people I love live, describing the places and people I have a deeply emotional connection to, and who I am as a person. Here, when I make an attempt to give a someone an earnest answer, I usually say “California” or “The West Coast,” but then the next question is usually something on the lines of “Então, você nasceu lá?” (“Oh, so you were born there?”) and internally I want to scream “Actually, no! But how is the place were born related to where you are from?! To be honest, the amount of time I've actually “lived” in California amounts to less than seven months (not including the many visits I had there while I was growing up).” DAH. It isn't easy, but I am being challenged to be more patient with others and myself on this issue. I realize that it would be healthy to decrease my defensiveness on this subject and use it as a chance to spread awareness that “not all people holding a US passport are the same.”

I am thankful that my foreignness actually facilitates the implementation of classroom standards like “putting away your cell phone when you are in class,” “not interrupting your peer while he/she is sharing something with the class,” etc. that are not always the norm here. I have so much to be thankful for and it is always positive to be reminded of these things.

Today, I am especially thankful for Easter and the deeper meaning behind it! I am free! I have been forgiven!

I enjoyed having the chance to skype with my family as they drove to Sugie's house. It was really special to be greeted (virtually) by many members of the Reed family once they arrived!

Happy Easter to all of you!!